A guide for SENCOs: supporting anxious pupils by supporting their parents

You've put the plan in place. The key adult, the safe space, the quieter start to the day. And still the pupil arrives each morning already overwhelmed, because the hardest part happened at home before they reached the gate. Meanwhile the parent is on the phone again, frightened, tired and asking you what else they can do.

As a SENCO, inclusion lead or pastoral lead, you can do a great deal inside school. But anxious children carry their worries between home and school, and the adults at home often need help too. This guide is about support for parents of anxious children: what they most often need, how that changes between primary and secondary, and where an independent coach can fit alongside the support you already give. I'm a mother, and I work with children, parents and teachers on managing big emotions and building confidence.

What SENCOs are seeing: anxiety, big emotions, low confidence

You'll recognise the pupils. The child who freezes when asked to read aloud. The one who seems fine all day and then, as their parent tells you, falls apart the moment they get home. The pupil who won't try anything new in case they get it wrong. The young person whose attendance is starting to slip.

Anxiety doesn't always look like worry. It can look like anger, tears, stomach aches, perfectionism, withdrawal or a child who is "holding it together" with enormous effort. Big emotions and low confidence often travel with it. None of these is a diagnosis, and it isn't your job or mine to give one. They are signals that a child needs adults around them who feel calm and confident about how to help.

Why parents are the missing piece

A school plan works best when home and school are pulling in the same direction. But parents of anxious children are often running on empty. They may be facing tears every morning, worrying about attendance, feeling judged by other parents, and quietly wondering whether they caused this.

When a parent is exhausted and unsure, it's very hard for them to stay calm in the moment their child needs it most. That isn't a criticism. It's simply what happens when someone is under pressure for a long time. Helping parents feel steadier and better equipped can make everything you do in school easier to sustain.

Parents also see things you don't: what happens on Sunday night, what the child says at bedtime, what sets off a meltdown after school. When they feel heard rather than blamed, they're far more likely to share it with you.

Primary and secondary: what changes

The principles of support stay the same across ages, but the shape of it shifts.

In primary school, parents are usually closely involved day to day. You might see them at the gate, and they often hold a lot of the child's routine. Anxiety in younger children often shows up in the body and in behaviour, and children may not have the words for what they're feeling. Parents often need practical, calm ways to help their child name feelings, settle their body and take small brave steps.

In secondary school, young people want more independence, and parents can feel shut out. A parent may know something is wrong but get very little from their teenager about what it is. Friendships, online life, exams and identity can all play a part. Here, parents often need help to stay connected without pushing, to listen without fixing, and to balance their own worry with their child's need for some control.

Transitions, such as moving from primary to secondary, can be a particularly anxious time for both children and parents. A little extra attention to parents at these points can go a long way.

What parents most often need

You can't solve everything for a family, but you can make a real difference to how supported they feel. Parents of anxious children often need:

• To feel heard first. Acknowledge how hard things are before you move to plans or attendance.
• One familiar point of contact, so they aren't repeating their story to several people.
• A clear, shared plan, written down, with small steps and named adults.
• Shared language between home and school, so the child hears the same calm messages in both places.
• Practical ideas for home, such as predictable routines, calm-time conversations and simple ways to settle big feelings.
• Reassurance about small progress, so that a good morning feels like a win rather than the bare minimum.
• Somewhere to turn for their own wellbeing, because a parent who feels supported is better able to support their child.

If it helps to share something with families, my article on what to do when a child is too anxious to go to school is written for parents, and so is my guide to how to build confidence in a child.

Where independent family coaching fits

Coaching sits alongside your school's graduated response, not in place of it. It doesn't replace your assess, plan, do, review cycle, CAMHS, the GP, educational psychology or the EHCP process. Where a child needs clinical or specialist support, those routes come first.

What coaching can offer is a space for parents to step back, think clearly and build practical skills and confidence for the day-to-day. Some families want support for parents of anxious children that sits a little outside school, with someone independent who isn't part of attendance conversations or formal meetings. That independence can help a parent speak more openly.

How I work with families you refer

I work directly with parents, and with children where that's appropriate. My approach combines positive psychology, storytelling, evidence-based coaching models and practical exercises, with the focus on things families can use at home. I focus on helping parents understand and respond to big emotions, build their own calm and confidence, and work with the school rather than against it.

I've spoken at the Tes SEND Show on managing big emotions, and organisations I've worked with include Twinkl and Ecolint (International School of Geneva). I don't diagnose, and coaching is not therapy or a mental health service.

Making a referral easy

Referral is deliberately simple:

• With the family's consent, share my details with them. You don't need to fill in a form on their behalf.
• The family books a free 15-minute discovery call at a time that suits them.
• On the call, I explain how I work and listen to what's going on. We decide together whether I'm the right person to help.

If I'm not the right fit, I'll say so, and point the family back to you, their GP or other services.

When to get more support

Coaching is not a substitute for clinical care. Encourage families to speak to their GP if a child's distress is severe or lasting, is affecting eating or sleep, or if there are any concerns about self-harm. The GP can consider a referral to CAMHS. Keep the family connected to you as SENCO, and point parents to the YoungMinds Parents Helpline, free on 0808 802 5544. Always follow your safeguarding procedures where there are concerns about a child's safety.

How I can help

If a family you're supporting would benefit from some extra support for parents of anxious children, alongside everything your school is already doing, I'd be glad to talk with them. You can find out more about my work with children, parents and teachers. I also run staff training on managing big emotions and supporting anxious pupils, which I cover in my guide to emotionally based school avoidance. If you'd like that for your team, bring this to your school.