My child is too anxious to go to school: what’s happening and how to help

It starts the night before. A stomach ache at bedtime, then tears at breakfast, then a child clinging to the car door while you try to stay calm and other parents walk past. Some mornings you get them in. Some mornings you don’t, and you spend the rest of the day feeling guilty, worried and exhausted.

When you have a child anxious about going to school, you are probably carrying a lot right now: fear for them, pressure from school, and a nagging voice asking whether you’re doing the right thing. I’m a mother, and I work with children, parents and teachers. I want to offer you some calm, practical steps, and help you understand what might be going on.

You’re not alone

The first thing to say is that this is not a failure of parenting, and it’s not your child being “naughty”. School anxiety is real, it is distressing, and it can happen to children who are bright, kind and well loved.

You might hear different names for it: school refusal, school avoidance, or emotionally based school avoidance (often shortened to EBSA). Schools increasingly use the term EBSA because it puts the emphasis in the right place. Your child isn’t choosing to defy you. Something about school feels so overwhelming that their body and brain are telling them to stay away.

What it can look like when a child is anxious about going to school

Every child is different, and anxiety doesn’t always look like worry. You might notice:

• Physical complaints, such as tummy aches, headaches, feeling sick or not sleeping, especially on school nights or Sunday evenings
• Big reactions in the morning: crying, shouting, hiding, refusing to get dressed or get out of the car
• Feeling better at weekends and in the holidays, then struggling again as school approaches
• Asking to come home, or calls from school saying they’re unwell
• Changes in mood: becoming quieter, more irritable, or more clingy than usual
• Meltdowns after school, where a child who has held it together all day finally lets it all out at home
• Gradual withdrawal: missing the odd day, then the odd morning, then struggling to go in at all

These signs don’t tell you what’s causing the anxiety, and they’re not a diagnosis. They’re a signal that your child needs help to feel safe again.

Why it’s become more common

Since the pandemic, school anxiety has become something families, schools and health services talk about much more openly. That’s partly a good thing: more children are being noticed and supported rather than labelled as difficult.

There’s rarely one single cause. For any child, it might be a mix of things, such as:

• Friendship difficulties, falling out or feeling left out
• Worries about learning, tests or being asked to speak in class
• A noisy, busy environment that feels overwhelming
• Changes at home, such as a move, a new sibling or a bereavement
• Transitions, like starting a new school, a new class or a new teacher
• Unmet learning needs that make the school day feel exhausting
• Fear of something happening to a parent while they’re apart

Sometimes your child won’t be able to tell you what’s wrong, because they don’t know themselves. That’s normal. Your job isn’t to solve the mystery overnight; it’s to stay curious and connected while you work it out together.

What helps at home

You can’t remove all anxiety from your child’s life, and trying to can accidentally make it bigger. What you can do is help them feel safe, understood and capable. Here are some practical things to try:

• Name and normalise the feeling. “It looks like your tummy feels wobbly about school. That’s your worry talking. Lots of feelings come with that, and they’re allowed.” Naming a feeling helps a child feel less alone with it.
• Listen at calm times, not in the moment. Mornings are too fraught for big conversations. Try side-by-side moments, such as in the car, on a walk or while drawing, when talking feels less intense.
• Keep mornings predictable. A simple routine, prepared the night before, removes small decisions and gives your child less to worry about.
• Help their body calm down. Slow breathing, a squeeze of the hands, a warm drink or a few minutes of movement can settle the physical feelings of anxiety. Practise when they’re calm, so it’s familiar when they need it.
• Look for small brave steps. Instead of “you have to go in all day”, think about what’s achievable: walking to the gate, going in for the first lesson, staying until lunch. Notice and praise the effort, not just the outcome.
• Look after yourself. Your child will read your stress. You don’t have to be perfect, but finding your own moments of calm will help you both.

It’s tempting to keep a very anxious child at home to stop the distress. In the short term that brings relief, but over time staying away can make returning feel even harder. It usually helps to keep some connection with school wherever possible, even if it’s very gradual. Please talk this through with the school and your GP rather than deciding alone.

Working with the school

You and the school want the same thing, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. Ask for a meeting with your child’s class teacher, head of year or pastoral lead, and the school SENCO (special educational needs coordinator).

Some things you might ask about:

• A named, trusted adult your child can go to when they arrive or feel overwhelmed
• A quieter way into school, such as a different entrance or a slightly earlier start
• A safe space they can use during the day
• A gradual return plan with small, agreed steps
• Whether any learning or sensory needs should be looked at
• How you’ll communicate, so you’re not relying on rushed chats at the gate

Keep a simple diary of good and hard days to give you and the school something concrete to work from. If you’d like to understand how schools approach this, my article on EBSA and helping anxious pupils back into school explains it from the school’s side.

When to get more support

You don’t need to wait until things are at crisis point to ask for help. Please reach out if your child’s anxiety is getting worse, lasting a long time, affecting their sleep or eating, or if they seem very low or talk about hurting themselves.

• The school SENCO can look at whether extra support is needed in school.
• Your GP can check for any physical causes and talk to you about next steps, including a referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services).
• The YoungMinds Parents Helpline (free on 0808 802 5544) offers free advice to parents and carers worried about a child’s mental health.
• In an emergency, call 999 or go to A&E.

Coaching can support you and your child, but it is not a treatment for mental health difficulties and never replaces medical advice.

How I can help

I work with children, parents and teachers to make sense of big emotions and build practical ways of coping. I can work with you as a parent, helping you feel calmer and more confident in how you respond, and help your child find tools that suit them. I bring a coach’s approach, practical exercises and an understanding of what it feels like as a mum.

Confidence and anxiety are often linked, so you might also find my article on how to build confidence in a child helpful.