How to build confidence in a child with low self-esteem

"I'm rubbish at everything." "Nobody likes me." "There's no point trying." When your child says things like this, it's hard to hear. You can see everything that's wonderful about them, and they can't see any of it.

Maybe they've stopped putting their hand up in class, or won't try a new club, or give up on homework the moment it gets tricky. If you're wondering how to build confidence in a child who has stopped believing in themselves, you're asking exactly the right question. As a mother, and in my work with children, parents and teachers, I know confidence isn't something you can hand over. But it is something you can help grow, one ordinary day at a time.

Signs your child's confidence has taken a knock

Low self-esteem in children doesn't always look like sadness. You might notice:

• Harsh self-talk: "I'm stupid", "I can't do anything right", "I'm ugly"
• Avoiding new things or giving up quickly when something is hard
• Fear of getting it wrong, which can show up as perfectionism, tearing up work or refusing to start
• Needing a lot of reassurance, or not believing it when you give it
• Brushing off praise or saying it doesn't count
• Comparing themselves constantly with siblings or friends
• Withdrawing from friends, activities or family time
• Becoming defensive or angry when corrected, because mistakes feel like proof they're not good enough

Every child has wobbles, and a few of these on a bad week are part of growing up. It's when they become a pattern that it's worth paying closer attention. These signs aren't a diagnosis; they're a sign your child might need extra support to see themselves more kindly.

What quietly erodes it

Confidence rarely disappears in one dramatic moment. More often, it's worn down by things that seem small at the time:

• Repeated experiences of struggling, for example with reading, maths or sport, without understanding why
• Friendship difficulties, falling out, or feeling left out
• Comparison, whether with a high-achieving sibling or with the polished lives they see online
• Criticism that feels personal, even when it's meant to help
• Big changes, such as moving house, changing school or changes at home
• Never being allowed to struggle. When adults step in too quickly, a child can learn that they can't cope without help.
• Praise that's all about results or talent, which can make a child afraid to try in case they lose the label

None of this is about blame. Every parent does some of these things some of the time. Simply noticing them gives you more choice in how you respond.

How to build confidence in a child: everyday ways to rebuild it

Confidence grows from experience: doing something a little hard, and finding out you can manage it. Here are practical ways to create those experiences.

Give them real responsibility. Age-appropriate jobs, like feeding a pet, making their own snack or choosing what to cook one evening, tell a child "I trust you". Competence builds confidence far more reliably than reassurance does.

Let them struggle a little. When your child gets stuck, pause before you rescue. Ask, "What could you try next?" or "What's one small bit you could do?" Being there while they work it out gives them the experience of coping.

Break things into small steps. If a task feels overwhelming, help them find the first, tiny step. Small wins add up, and they're the raw material of self-belief.

Find their spark. Every child has something they enjoy or are drawn to, whether that's building, drawing, animals, music or making people laugh. Make space for it. Feeling good at something, anything, spills over into other areas.

Spend unhurried time together. Ten minutes of your full attention, with no phone and no agenda, tells your child they matter. That sense of being valued is the foundation self-esteem is built on.

Normalise mistakes. Talk about mistakes as a normal part of learning. At dinner, you might each share one thing you got wrong today and what you learned. It takes the shame out of it.

Help them notice what went well. At bedtime, ask them to name one thing they did that they're proud of, however small. Over time, this trains their attention towards their strengths.

What to say (and what to avoid)

The words we use can either build a child up or quietly confirm their worst fears. A few shifts can make a real difference.

Praise effort and strategy, not just results.

• Try: "You kept going even when that was tricky." "I can see you tried a different way."
• Instead of: "You're so clever." "You're a natural."

Be specific.

• Try: "The colours you chose make that picture feel really happy."
• Instead of: "That's amazing", said about everything.

Acknowledge feelings before fixing.

• Try: "It sounds like that really knocked you. That's hard."
• Instead of: "Don't be silly, of course you're not rubbish."

When a child says "I can't do it", add one word: yet. "You can't do it yet." It's a small change that turns a dead end into a path.

Avoid comparisons with siblings or classmates, even positive ones. And if you need to correct behaviour, focus on the behaviour, not the child: "That was an unkind thing to say" rather than "You're unkind".

Modelling it yourself

Children learn more from what we do than from what we say. If they hear you call yourself useless when you burn the toast, or see you avoid things you're nervous about, they absorb that as the way people treat themselves.

• Talk kindly to yourself out loud. "I got that wrong. Never mind, I'll try again."
• Let them see you try new things, including ones you're not good at.
• Share how you cope with nerves. "I'm a bit nervous about my meeting today, so I'm going to take a few slow breaths."
• Look after your own self-esteem. It's hard to give a child something you're running low on yourself.

You don't have to be a perfect role model. A parent who stumbles, recovers and is kind to themselves along the way is a very good one.

When to get more support

Sometimes low self-esteem is part of something bigger. Please seek support if your child seems persistently low, anxious or withdrawn, if it's affecting their sleep, eating, friendships or school attendance, or if they talk about hurting themselves or not wanting to be here.

• The school SENCO and pastoral team can help spot what's happening in school and put support in place.
• Your GP can talk things through and, if needed, refer to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services).
• The YoungMinds Parents Helpline (free on 0808 802 5544) offers free advice to parents and carers.
• In an emergency, call 999 or go to A&E.

If confidence is affecting school, my article on what to do when your child is too anxious to go to school may also help.

How I can help

I work with children, parents and teachers to build confidence and manage big emotions in practical, everyday ways. I can support you as a parent to find the words and approaches that suit your child, and help children discover their strengths and tools that work for them. Coaching is not therapy, but it can be a warm, practical source of support alongside the people in your child's life.