How to find your core values: a practical exercise

When you live your life according to your core values, you live your truth.

When you don't, you feel it before you can name it. A job that looks fine on paper leaves you flat by Wednesday. You say yes to things and resent them afterwards. You hit a goal you worked hard for and feel strangely empty. Nothing is obviously wrong, and yet something is.

That gap between how you live and what matters to you is what this article is about. I'll show you how to find your core values with a simple exercise you can do this week, how to tell when you've drifted away from them, and how to use them in the small, everyday choices that add up to a life that feels like yours.

Why values matter more than goals

Goals tell you where you're going. Values tell you why it's worth going there, and how you want to travel.

The trouble with goals on their own is that they're finite. You get the promotion, finish the qualification, buy the house, and then you need a new one. If the goal wasn't connected to something you care about, the satisfaction fades fast. Worse, you can reach a goal in a way that costs you the very things you value: your health, your relationships, your sense of integrity.

Values work differently. They're not something you tick off. Freedom, fairness, creativity, family, growth, loyalty: you never "finish" them. You either honour them today or you don't. That makes them a far more reliable compass than any target, especially when life throws you a choice that no plan prepared you for.

When your goals grow out of your values, the effort feels lighter. You still work hard, but you're not working against yourself.

Signs you're out of alignment

Most of us don't notice we've drifted until the discomfort gets loud. Here are some quieter signals worth paying attention to:

• Irritation that seems out of proportion. If a small thing at work makes you disproportionately angry, it may be stepping on a value, such as fairness or respect.
• Decisions that drag on. When you can't decide, it's often because two values are pulling in different directions and you haven't named either of them.
• Success that feels hollow. You're doing well by other people's measures, but it doesn't feel like winning.
• Envy. Envy can be uncomfortable but useful. It often points straight at something you value and aren't giving yourself.
• Sunday evening dread. A sinking feeling about the week ahead can mean the week ahead isn't built around what matters to you.
• Tiredness that rest doesn't fix. Living against your values takes energy, because part of you is always pushing back.

If several of these sound familiar, it doesn't mean you need to change everything. It means it's time to get clear on what your values actually are.

How to find your core values, step by step

You'll need a pen, some paper and about an hour without interruptions. Don't rush it. The first answers that come to mind are often the values you think you should have, and the real ones sit just underneath.

Step 1: Look at your peak moments. Write down three or four times in your life when you felt most alive, proud or fully yourself. They can be big or small. For each one, ask: what was happening? Who was I with? What was I doing that mattered? Look for the value being honoured in that moment. Maybe it was adventure, or connection, or being trusted to lead.

Step 2: Look at your low points. Now write down times you felt angry, frustrated or quietly compromised. Values often show up most clearly when they're being stepped on. If you were furious when a colleague took credit for your work, honesty or recognition might matter deeply to you.

Step 3: Make a long list. From both exercises, write down every value word you've spotted. If you get stuck, a core values list can help you find the right words. Here are some to start with:

• Achievement, adventure, authenticity, balance
• Compassion, connection, courage, creativity
• Family, freedom, fairness, faith
• Growth, health, honesty, humour
• Independence, justice, kindness, learning
• Loyalty, peace, recognition, respect
• Security, service, simplicity, trust

Aim for fifteen to twenty words that genuinely resonate, not ones that just sound good.

Step 4: Group and name. Some of your words will cluster together. Honesty, integrity and transparency might belong in one group. Pick the word in each cluster that feels most like you, or write your own phrase. "Telling it straight" can be more meaningful than "integrity".

Step 5: Narrow to five. This is the hard bit, and it's meant to be. Ask yourself of each value: if I had to give this up, would I still feel like me? Keep going until you have around five that you'd defend.

Step 6: Test them. Live with your list for a week. Notice when each value shows up, and when it's missing. Adjust the wording if something doesn't sit right. Your values should feel like a description of who you already are, not a list of who you're trying to be.

This personal values exercise is the heart of the free workbook I offer, which goes into each step in more depth with prompts to help you dig deeper.

Living by your values day to day

Knowing your values is the start. Living by your values is where things change. A few ways to make them practical:

• Use them as a decision filter. When you're stuck, ask: which option honours more of my values? It won't always make the choice easy, but it makes it clearer.
• Check your week. Look at your diary and ask where each value gets time. If "family" is a top value and there's no space for it, that's useful information, not a reason for guilt.
• Notice the trade-offs. Sometimes you'll knowingly put one value aside for a while, such as security over adventure while you pay off a debt. That's fine when it's a conscious choice. It's the unconscious trade-offs that wear you down.
• Say them out loud. Telling someone you trust what your values are makes them real, and gives that person permission to remind you when you drift.
• Revisit them. Come back to your list every few months, or whenever life changes shape. It keeps you honest.

If you've reached a point where your career no longer fits who you are, values are usually the place to start. You might find my articles on why reaching the top can still feel wrong and changing career at 40 without starting from scratch useful next reads.

How I can help

Exploring values sits at the heart of the work I do, from my VIP (Values, Identity, Purpose) seminars to one-to-one coaching. Sometimes it's hard to see your own values clearly, because you're too close to them. In coaching, I help you get underneath the "shoulds", name what really matters, and turn it into choices you can act on. This kind of work often takes as few as two sessions.

If you'd like to start on your own, the free values workbook is a good first step.